


V

by rabiddog



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kageyama Tobio Angst, Kageyama Tobio Needs a Hug, Kageyama Tobio-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27124747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabiddog/pseuds/rabiddog
Summary: Sticking his fingers down his throat had become a heavy comfort for Tobio.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 155





	V

If Kageyama’s honest, it’s become a sick sort of comfort to himself; sticking his fingers down his throat; letting the saliva run along with the long digits as they press and press against the back of his mouth, arching over rows of acid-burned teeth and digging into a soft uvula. 

Tobio wants to stop. He truly does. He knows that it’s not healthy – that the act isn’t something he should even want to continue, but he just can’t help himself. It’s somewhat satisfying, being able to have control of what his body consumed. For once in his life, he felt as if he had a sense of stability over everything. 

Of course, it wasn’t like he’d never had control over something before. He’d been in control of a team once, after all, having led his Kitagawa Daiichi teammates through victory after victory, and it’d been something amazing. He’d felt incredible after each win, but this feeling, it was something different. Something unique. 

Forcing himself to throw up was a victory in itself, and a desperate feeling that he couldn’t push away no matter how hard he might try. 

(Not even desperate, desperate pleading could force the urge to lay low for a while.) 

It was a constant in his life now; after every meal, he’d sit in his room; music blasting out; a cold bin pressed between his knobbly knees. A heavy weight would settle over the dark room, a breath barely leaving him, before gagging and choking began to mix in with the glaringly loud music. 

It was wrong, so, so wrong, but Kageyama couldn’t help himself. Being able to get rid of everything that he’d consumed just minutes before made him feel better in more ways than one. In all honesty, it gave him the ability to feel a little more confident about himself. A little better about leaving the house in the morning. 

He was an addict, and his fingers were fueling his addiction. 

Though, with being held down by this new addiction of his, along came the guilt. 

Guilt and sorrow were leading factors in his life at times, questions like, “Why am I doing this? Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I stop it?” These were forever buzzing around his bleeding mind, pressing deep into his skin and nestling in. It was horrible, making him want to claw at his skin till he was red and raw. 

In that sense, none of it was fun, and during those times, he desperately wanted to tell somebody. He wanted to grab onto Hinata and beg and beg for the other boy’s help. Beg for some recognition and aid with his problem. Beg for a release from this harrowing nightmare he was stuck in. 

Kageyama would never be brave enough to do that, though. He’d never be able to lay himself fully open like that. It just wasn’t in his nature to do something so bold and damaging. (Damaging in the sense that he’d _surely_ be ridiculed for his failures, right? It wasn’t normal to want to make yourself throw up, was it?) 

Tobio knew that what he felt wasn’t normal. He knew that what he did wasn’t normal. It wasn’t something that people heard about and went, ‘oh, hey, that sure sounds like a good idea!’ 

Though, it probably made sense to some other people, right? Surely there had to be people out there like him. He just wanted to be... better. A better version of himself; slimmer, thinner, prettier. He wanted to be noticed and loved and accepted. 

Kageyama wanted to fit in. He didn’t want to stick out in such a sour way; he didn’t want to be the main factor of a horrid joke or be stared at on the street. And in order to accomplish that, he had to be skinnier, right? 

Tobio had to lose weight. He had to stop eating so much; he had to lose a few more pounds; he had to stick his fingers down his throat. 

Throwing up was the easiest way in his eyes. It meant he didn’t have to go to a public gym or out with his parents on long, long walks. Tobio didn’t have to expose himself to the outside world in ways that he just wouldn’t be able to bear. He could shut everyone out and throw up all of his emotions into a small, plastic bag without another thought. ‘Easy as pie,’ right? 

Of course, with his little ‘problem’ of sorts came the unfortunate cons as well. The sore throats, chapped lips, bad breath. They were all horrible, made him feel as if he was dying all over again; they hurt, made everyday life just that much harder, and were beginning to leave a heavy toll on his body. 

The stomach cramps were probably the worst, though; they weren’t fun at all. Each time Tobio slipped down beside his place of sleep; his form hunched over a plastic bin; his stomach would give a groaning lurch. It seemed to be screaming in protest against his actions as if it knew precisely what Kageyama was about to do. (Not that it did, because that would be insane, right?) 

It just, overall, it... wasn’t fun, and Tobio would much prefer if his cramps stayed a little more toned down. Having a hot water bottle pressed against his lower abdomen on a constant was rather... sucky, to put it in the simplest way possible. 

Despite this, however, despite how much pain he would go through and the emotions he would feel, Tobio found himself unable to stop. And at this point, he didn’t think he really wanted to. Just the feel of slick digits pressing down his throat became a slight comfort for him, and even trying to eat a simple meal had his lower half turning in protest. 

At this point, Kageyama didn’t know if he even had the ability to stop. 

It didn’t matter, though, right? He was fine. He was... working on it, and everything would be okay eventually. 

Kageyama would be okay eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> CC: [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/rabiddogs)  
> Twitter: [Wilbyz](https://twitter.com/wiIbyz)


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